By M. F. Luder
As of Monday, September 22, Fred, the figurehead of Dunkin' Donuts, is retiring. The real question is why. Fred is in his donut making prime; he enjoys waking up every morning and making donuts for millions of American police officers. Many people have asked him why he is giving up on donuts. He replied to the query by saying, "Dunkin' Donuts isn't about the donuts anymore. They are trying to compete with Starbucks®, so Dunkin' Donuts emphasis has shifted to the coffee. For me, it was always about the 'Donuts,' the 'Dunkin' was just an extra."

Rumors are flying in many donut circles concerning Fred's retirement. Paul Allen, a high ranking Microsoft® official who wished to remain anonymous, had this to share: "Bill Gates is obsessed with the Canadian donut market. He almost dropped our software research and design and wanted to focus on producing addictive jelly donut fillings." Some donut insiders think that Gates will use Donutsoft®, which now owns Dunkin' Donuts, to take over the large Canadian donut market. Fred was viewed as not being Canadian enough to lead the domination of the entire Canadian donut market. Fred is expected to be replaced as the Dunkin' Donuts spokesman by either William Shatner, or Mike Myers.

It is theorized that Gates plans to use Microsoft's® profits to open a Dunkin' Donuts on every street corner in Canada. He then plans to monopolize the donut market, and use his control to put a communist regime in place with him as dictator-for-life. Plans have already been drawn up for his new mansion which is to be built in the southern half of Canada. It will be built by Canadian slave labor, mostly good looking jocks, (Bill Gates's most hated foe), and anyone who owns a Macintosh. Unfortunately that is only two people, and so he will be forced to draw from the larger group of overweight, drunk hockey fans if he wants his house finished anytime soon.

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