By Newman
Marv "I Like Wearing Women's Underwear" Albert pleaded guilty last week to assault and battery, and was promptly fired from his job as a broadcaster for NBC Sports and the voice of the New York Knicks. The good news is that his criminal record now makes him eligible to work for the Dallas Cowboys.

Is that a microphone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Mr. Albert, whose career options are looking about as bright as Shaquille O'Neal's acting resume, pleabargained to the assault & battery charge from the more serious charge of forcible sodomy, after being accused of forcing a woman to perform oral sex and biting her on the back after she refused to let him 'put the biscuit in the basket.' He was upset because she hadn't brought another man with her. I guess Bill Russell was busy. Now come on Marv, everyone knows you're a babe magnet already, I mean what chick wouldn't go for that sexy toupee? Plus the biting thing's been done before anyway... remember Mike Tyson? And I don't think Evander Holyfield was that turned on.

Marv originally pleaded not guilty, claiming that he and the accuser had a 10 year relationship and that he bit her because she had a mole on her back that tasted like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. But another woman came forward and testified that Marv bit her and wanted her to perform oral sex in a Dallas hotel room a few years ago. Marv supposedly went into the bathroom and came out dressed only in panties and a garter belt. The woman luckily escaped by pulling off Marv's toupee. I guess he's not embarrassed by wearing women's underwear but he can't be seen bald.

However we should thank Marv for one thing: by plea-bargaining and ending the trial, we were all spared from having to hear more about Marv Albert's sex life, which nobody wants to know more about. But if it's forcible sodomy Marv wants, then it's forcible sodomy he'll get after he's sentenced to a possible maximum of 12 months in prison.

In a statement to the press after his guilty plea, Albert said he plead guilty because he wanted to end the ordeal for his family, friends, and fiancee Heather. He and Heather then approached a female reporter and asked her if she had ever heard the term 'menage a trois.'

Dennis Rodman, another fan of wearing women's lingerie, could not be reached for comment.

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