A very special article by Newman
Physicists at the University of Chicago began work today on a dream many see as foolish and impossible: travel at faster than the speed of light. However, the physicists have been inspired by another improbable occurrence, namely Dan Coates's getting a girlfriend.

"Despite the fact that Einstein's relativity equations clearly show that breaking the light barrier is impossible, many people felt the same way about the Coates relationship situation, and look how that turned out!" exclaimed Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling.

"I never in my life thought that I would live to see Man break the speed of light," commented Stephen Hawking through a computer-voice interpreter, "but I also firmly believed that Dan would graduate not having had a date in his senior year."

The speed of light, approximately 300,000,000 meters per second in a vacuum, is commonly believed by the current laws of physics to be unreachable.

In a related story, local high school senior John Roberts declared bankruptcy today, citing massive gambling debts. Roberts had taken many foolish bets in the past, including betting $5 that Michigan State would beat North Carolina in the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament. However, John was pushed into bankruptcy after being forced to pay on 10,000 to 1 odds that Coates wouldn't get a girlfriend before college.

John will be forced to auction off his possessions in order to pay the large debt off to Dan as required by law. Anyone wishing to obtain Playstation RPGs, sexually explicit anime or other pornographic material should plan on attending it on March 25 at 7:30 PM.