By the Ghost of Newman
America Online CEO Steve Case announced Saturday that he has signed a contract worth approximately $115 million with Satan. America Online (AOL), the largest Internet service provider with over 10 million subscribers, has always been popular with Satan, who has distributed the service in the Underworld under the brand name of "AOHell." Satan, speaking on AOL under the screen name of "Devil57168," said this new agreement would allow him to assert his influence more easily over the living.

"AOL has always been the most efficient instrument of wasting time," explained Devil57168. "This pact will mean even more busy signals for those trying to dial in, 43 percent more junk e-mail, and longer download times for those already online. Of course, the network will continue to randomly kick people off and freeze up your computer." Overall, this new deal is expected to cause an additional 23.8 million hours of wasted possible productivity each week worldwide.

America Online, the nation's leader in Hell-bound Internet users, reported mixed responses. "LOL!!!!" said MMa7125870, "U GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!!" "17/M HERE ANY LADEEZ WANNA CHAT?" said MaCkDaDd84. CEO Steve Case made only one statement: "We're all pioneers in building this new interactive medium, which someday will be as important as TV or the phone. It is an exciting time -- and we should all share it. Please tell everyone about AOL, so they can join us on the electronic frontier."

It appears that Christians who want to use the Internet will have to wait for God v2.1, which is rumored to finally get on-line.

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