Tosa East Infested With "Bad-Asses"

By Maverick
In the past years, the Wauwatosa School System has had difficulty in finding more money for their annual school year budget. The funds are spread thin, and many extra-curricular programs are being scaled back due to the lack of money. Although this year was supposed to be different, the budget of the Wauwatosa School district has been hindered by a new, more expensive problem. The problem, in short, is that Wauwatosa East High school has been overrun by a pest known as the "Bad-Ass."

The situation has been dubbed more severe then the asbestos in the third floor, and has already put a huge financial burden on our local school officials. These "Bad-Asses" can be recognized easily by anyone with knowledge of the pests' physical appearance. They stand between 4'8" and 6'5" wearing clothing that is severely too large for itself. The clothing is sometimes adorned by a long silver wallet chain, which can hang as low as the middle of the shin. Bad-Asses have a poor sense of sight and in result often walk directly into class-bound students, pushing the students aside with their bony weak shoulders. The attitude of the Bad-Ass is recognizable and can only be described as "self absorbed". The School board called for immediate action to be taken, and an out of state consultant was flown in to discuss the matter at a meeting held after the first day of school.

Dr. Allan Wilson discussed the infestation with parents and other concerned citizens. "What we have here is a basic problem with Bad-Asses, and it must be solved immediately. The pests think they're hot shit, and this mindset can only cause destruction. The process will be costly, but effective, so everyone please bear with us as we attempt to rid this school of these destructive pests."

Numerous plans have been presented to the school board and the superintendent, but only one has been approved. Large wire-caged traps are to be placed in the hallways during seventh hour on Monday, baited with JNCO brand Jeans, Kool Cigarettes, and Jansport backpacks scribbled on with markers. All students are instructed to leave the building as quickly as possible Monday, and to ignore any "Bad-Asses" that have fallen for the extermination plan. When asked what would happen if the "Bad-Asses" read this article prior to Monday, Dr. Allan Wilson responded, "There is no risk; the pests would take one look at the article, see that there were far too many words that they would have to read, and would then disregard it."

The final stage of the plan will occur after the traps have been collected. The "Bad-Asses" will then be relocated to a predetermined appropriate site where they can live with other "Bad Asses" collected by the city and school district. Wauwatosa West will receive these pests on Wednesday for permanent residency.

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