By M. F. Luder
Hello, welcome to America, the land of free speech and the right to protest; at least it used to be. Since I'm about to head off to the "institution," I should get a head start and practice protesting. To my chagrin, I found there's nothing to protest.

Some uptight Republicans might say that the President's screwing around is something to protest, but I say good for him. When I'm 50 I hope I can have mistresses "come" in my office all the time; I'd love to get lots o' chicks. I spent many minutes pondering the problem, and the only thing I can think of to protest is the lack of things to protest.

As I said, Americans have the right to protest, to make their voices heard, but life is too good right now. There are no wars, hot, cold or lukewarm; there is no imminent threat of death; there is no depression, things are going well. Well I'm sick of it. The "man" may be trying to lull the American people to sleep, so later, when they double taxes and take our first-born children, we won't know how to protest.

Besides, Utopias are overrated; people start overreacting to minor problems. If we're gonna have problems, we might as well have big problems. For example, take the "war on drugs." First off, it's not really a war, and second, why would you want to get rid of drugs? They're cool! (See The Underground, Issue 9, "Drugs Are Cool")

The Chinese people are much more annoying and numerous than drugs, but we're not getting rid of them. They've even got the perfect excuses to protest, with their human rights violations and communism, and they're not even doing anything about it! They're letting it all go to waste! (With the exception of that Tiananmen square thing. Now that was a protest.) President Clinton should start a war with China and save us from this heaven on earth. First of all, people would not have a chance to worry about the President screwing everything with hair. Second, our Utopia would be shattered and the Chinese (or U.S.) would be destroyed.

Finally, this great crusade would give me something to protest: that horrible genocide those Washington spin doctors call a "war." Until then, I'm just going to have to protest the lack of things to protest. If you need me, I'll be on a hunger strike until our government caves in and starts oppressing or killing something.

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