By Newman
Underground writers Newman, M. F. Luder, and The Regulator announced that they were ending The Underground today, due to an exhaustion of sarcastic headlines.

The ironic, made-up news story, long the staple of The Underground's diet, was finally depleted last week. It had been in danger of extinction for months now, with such papers as The Underground and The Onion, and TV shows like The Daily Show often taking what they needed, with little or no regard for the consequences of their actions.

The last funny story, entitled "Library Seized In Fascist Coup," written by Newman, appears in this very issue of The Underground next to some of the other last remaining headlines. The drought of satirical news stories has already had tragic effects on the entertainment industry. After five minutes of staring blankly into space, Daily Show anchor Craig Kilborn shot himself in the head during his "Moment For Us." Also, last week's Onion contained 12 pages of ads and a nine-page-long Savage Love column.

While other pseudo-news organizations have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for funny headlines, The Underground has always gotten its material from the bottom of the barrel anyway, so the readers have not noticed any reduction in the quality of the paper.

In a related story, M. F. Luder announced that he was down to only three more bestiality or Will Smith allusions.

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